Bailout Me

I have problems. One of which is that my car is American, or actually that is isn't. Last week my girlfriend, who happens to speak French, informed me that Mazdas are foreign cars; in fact, they are Asian. This doesn't just explain the leg-room, it hurts my patriotism. You see, I buy American. I plow in a John Deere, eat breakfast at Taco Bell and prefer Freedom Waffles to the bastardized Belgian version.

I hear the Auto Industry is about to collapse, which will have far-reaching consequence including a decline in home attendance at Red Wings games. The industry is clamoring for my tax dollars. I'm as much to blame as anyone -- I should have seen through the Mazda dealer's deceptive dealership placement (in America) and realized it wasn't an American machine. My tax money should help, and so should yours.

Let me get something straight, I don't support this simply because I don't pay taxes -- I support this because I believe in poorly managed American business. I am involved in a number of them myself. For example, we should give more attention to struggling pryamid schemes. As the unemployment rate has risen, the pryamids have flattened. I'm bleeding, and the revolutionary hand-sanitizer I can provide associates at wholesale prices can't help because, as the instructions state, it should never be used on open-wounds. I'm in a freaking money pit, and it's not my fault -- the product is great, the price is great, and the sales tactics are ethical. The Asian and European pryamid schemes are simply out-performing my own. Even I admit that they may be better; it's that simple. Egyptians of all people have cornered the pryamid market, succesfully dominated the miracle-juice segment with "Nile-Magic." It's a very fine product. Frankly, the problem is beyond my reach, and I'd like to be reimbursed. How can I be expected to compete with other products when they are better than my own?

Bail Me Out. Only then, can I start to bail out America.