I hesitate to sully this blog with original reporting, but after my recent trip to Dallas, TX, and taking a tour of the new, humongous and expensive Dallas Cowboys stadium I believe I have something worth breaking.
According to both my tour guides, who were official representatives of the Dallas Cowboys (they had Polo shirts to prove it), the open roof stadium was designed specifically so God can watch future Cowboys games. Our guide went as far as to practically anoint the Cowboys as the team of Jesus Christ, Savior and Redeemer. This was part of the official tour, which I paid some $15 for. I found it interesting that everyone who goes to church on Sundays is worshipping a Being that is actually at His home watching the NFL.
In light of this recent news, further investigation is required. Why aren’t the other teams sanctioned by the Creator? Let’s look at some teams and their respective reasons:
New Orleans Saints - This is tricky. Superficially, a team named the Saints should be anointed simply because of their name, they should be the most Saintly of all teams. But the city’s reputation for crime and corruption create real dissonance. That dissonance may have lead to Katrina. It’s just a theory. It’s probably wrong.
Miami Dolphins - Miami is the Las Vegas of the east coast. And if Las Vegas is Sin City, Miami is La Ciudad del Pecado. The Lord hears and understands all tongues, even if they are saying bad things.
Pittsburgh Steelers - Thou Shalt Not Steel.
Jacksonville Jaguars - Hasn’t heard of them
Buffalo Bills - 0 for 4 in Super Bowls? I don’t know why but He definitely hates this team. Doug Flutie, former BC quarterback and famous for a particular Hail Mary (TOUCHDOWN JESUS!) should rank high on any list of holy quarterbacks (still behind Kurt Warner, obviously) but he hasn’t quite done enough for this barren franchise playing in the tundra of New York State.
San Francisco 49ers - Castro District
Green Bay Packers - Most fans are farmers, this is good. However, cheese can never be worn on a head and remain kosher. The Packers, identifiable as much for their Cheesehead fans as anything, are really handicapped by this blatant disregard for the Holy Health Code.
Seattle Seahawks - This isn’t a real animal, which is extremely offensive
Detroit Lions - No one likes the Lions
We could go on, but I think it’s becoming pretty clear my tour guides were right on the ball.
