In the early 1980s, scientists experimented with breeding only the happiest animals, with the ultimate goal of domesticating crocodiles, vipers and similar predators. But when it comes to animals that are friendly, science will never match what mother nature has already breast fed: the wallaby. I'm not completely sure what a wallaby is (koala - kangaroo - platypus hybrid?; I've never seen one), but I sure want to give it a hug.
When mispronounced, wallaby actually rhymes with lullaby. Wallaby: G'day mate -- let's take a nap together sometime, in a mystical forest of snuggling. In the animal kingdom, few species elicit the sweet sounds of nurture that do the wallaby. Don't heed the propaganda Dr. Suess spews about brown barbaloots eating trufala fruits -- those damn barbaloots are an invasive species and a menace on the food chain. Wallabys on the other hand, don't hurt anything but the occasional leafy plant and rotting carcass.
Other friendly animals:
- Plankton. Very underrated on most scales of intimacy. Fact: even an atypically shy plankton has about 3 trillion friends, something Tila Tequila's myspace can't even match.
- Pepperoni. Whatever animal this comes from, you are friendly to my mouth.
- Why do people always expect lists of three?
The friendliest animals need the most protection. The most innocent of the friendliest animals need even more. If we can't protect the innocent, then who can we protect? That's why we need to stop animal abortions, at least during the third trimester. The only candidate who has consistently stood up to this atrocity is Alan Keyes: the social conservative with a heart. If Keyes goes down, so do the Wallabys, and I can't have their soft, delicate fur soaked in blood and then have that bloody fur on my head. Vote for change, Keyes in '08.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment