Shepard Smith Goes Crazy and gets it right

Shepard Smith, Roger Goodell's wife Jane Skinner, and the blond gal with the really big boobs are the only Fox News Channel people my mind can take. Today the Shep went off on this whole torture issue and if I was surrounded by a bunch of nincompoops who rather divide the country than use a lil commonsense, I would try to knock somebody out as well.

The fact is that the U.S. has never clearly defined what torture is and what it is not, but they did say that waterboarding, as well as some of the other acts recently committed on detainees, is torture. Now keep in mind that we as a country have declared that we don't torture and have made a national and international promise that we will not torture. Shoot, McCain the Maverick himself helped make it a law.

However, according to the memos that have been released by the current administration, the previous administration authorized torturous acts to be acted out on detainees held in military prisons such as Gitmo. Remember now that the majority of the detainees in these prisons have not actually been charged with a crime, so in other words we were torturing possible informants. Not only that, but the "informants" have been locked up for years. Try giving up info on a person or place you haven't seen since 2002. Not easy huh? Now try doing while getting your head smashed into a wall or playfully drowning. Just a lil bit harder. On The Wire, detectives gave infromants cash, the Bush admin gave possible informants lungs full of water.

Torture is illegal. The previous administration made it clear that they knew the legalities of it. Whether torture is effective or not can be debated till the cows come home, but the person who side stepped the law and authorized the use of torture needs to face the consequences. I truly believed that the Bush years would be viewed in a better light after some time, but it now looks like that will never happen. You did your daddy proud.

How many times can you kill a person?

I've said it before and I say it again: If you eff with the innocence of a child, you deserve to die. If you knowingly and purposely take the life of another human being, you deserve to die.

The question now is: Can Melissa Huckaby die twice?

Huckaby (pictured above) was arraigned yesterday for the murder, rape and kidnapping of her daughters best friend, eight year-old Sandra Cantu. After disposing of the girls body in her personal suitcase and throwing it in a pond, Huckaby left the Cantu's searching, pleading and praying for their daughters safe return for 10 days. Not enough? Huckaby was also a Sunday school teacher. Talk about being the last person cops suspected.

Melissa Huckaby, EFF YOU!!

Pick a side aready!

Mike Bloomberg, the guy above (and the guy i wanted to be prez), is running for a 3rd term as mayor of NYC. Fair enough.

After spending a ton of his own money to become mayor he decided to spend a few extra buck to extend the term limit to three. Whatever works.

What I can't figure out however, is why the hell do the political parties allow Bloomy to use them like the guys on my floor used Jenny "have at 'em" Jeffries freshman year of college? The dude was Republican, then went Democrat, then Republican again, then he threw us a curve ball and went Independent, and is now returning to the red corner.

The dude doesn't vote along party lines, he doesn't need the money, and his constituaents don't care what colour shirt he's wearing because the dude is a "no pants" liberal. If it's a ballot issue, i say change the damn ballots. You were able to change the term limits weren't you?

Couldn't have said it better myself...

Please check out the article from Gawker regarding the ludicrous media attention President Obama's gifts are getting. When did America develop chronic ADD and how can we fix it?

Obama Gives Queen Another Crappy Present - Gawker

April 1st, The Worst Day of the Year.

Today is the day everyone tries to be cute by attempting to make you believe in something that just isn't true. Not Fun.

I like to play pranks on others: pull a chair from underneath someone, slip a Viagra in their food, taser them while they are taking a shower, or even duck tape them to their bed while they sleep. All fun pranks.

What sucks is a day dedicated to pranks. When half the country is trying to trick you you don't know what to believe. This is scary. Who can you trust? I prefer to stay in on April 1st, if only to limit the trickery. Imagine getting pulled over by a cop today. What happens if it's not a cop, but a person playing an April Fools joke on you, but you pay the ticket anyway.

Last year I was buying a Slurpee, the guy at the register told me that it would be $100. Upon seeing the shock on my face the dude smiled and said "April Fools!" I put the Slurpee down and walked away.

This not my kinda day.

I Am an A-Rod Fan

People need to stop bashing the dude, he is what he is.

Issue 1: He did steroids and he probably did them for a lot longer than the three years he claims.

Answer: Who the eff cares?! Have you seen an Arod homerun? Those things aren't barley getting over the fence, they are literal "A-Bombs from A-Rod." The dude averages 460 foot homers. The deepest part of a park, center field, is 408ft. Come'on. And the last time I checked the hardest part about hitting a baseball was making contact, and steroids can't help you with that. Actually there is more evidence that steroids can hurt your ability to get the bat head around fast enough to catch up to a 96mph fastball. If i wanted someone to teach me how to hit i would go to Barry Bonds. Sure steroids helped him turn some routine flyballs into homeruns, but damn that guy had one consistent deadly swing.

Issue 2: A-Rod is what wrong with baseball.

Answer: Who the hell are you? Have you ever watched a game of baseball. A Yankee - Red Sox game last 4 effing hours! thats whats wrong. Seriously though, baseball was on it's last leggs until McGwire and Sosa started tee'n off pitchers. Everyone was watching baseball then and we all knew that those guys vein's were pumping steroids faster than the Alaskan pipeline could pump oil. But wait! All of a sudden our morals woke up after a 1-1 game in the 7th inning and said, "steroids are bad for the game." Fair enough, you can change your mind, but don't forget that we breeded this thing.

Issue 3: A-Rod has no p.r. skills.

Answer: "Show me a hero and I'll write you a tragedy" - F. Scott Fitzgerald. Welcome to A-Rods world. Keep in mind we are talking about a guy who was a star athlete before he entered high school. This dude very likely skated through high school all while winning state championships in every sport possible. The dude had a full ride to quaterback for U of Miami back when U of Miami was still good. To add to that, rumor has it A-Rod was good enough to make the NBA out of high school, but he had to focus on only two sports so he dropped b-ball.
After high school he backed out of his deal with Miami after he was selected #1 overall in the baseball draft. You know what that means? No college. Say goodbye to thatspecial public realtions/speaking class that is tailored to college athletes and that they are all required to take.
Face it, no one has told this guy no in his life (except strippers ofcourse.) He gets what he wants and thats just how it is. His mom couldn't say no to him, he was the only man in the house and a future cash cow. He wife couldn't say no when he would find some piece of arse. How the hell is some dweeb from U of Michigan going to tell an uneducated A-Rod what to say and do?

Issue 4: He is no Jeter.

Answer: No one is. I just don't get people sometimes. Some guys have charisma, some don't. D.J. has starlets clawing for him and A-Rod pays for his or settles for 50 year old woman with crazy forearms. I don't care. I love baseball and I love the Yankees, but don't ever try to tell me Derek Jeter is a better player than Alex Rodriguez. You come to me with that ish and i will slap it back into your mouth. Yes Jeter does somethings better than A-Rod, but A-Rod didn't lie when he told GQ that Jeter will never be a #1 on any team. 50 years from now kids and historians a like will look at the numbers and it will be clearer than one of those windows in a windex commercials, A-Rod was the better player. Ever wonder why he makes more money? Bingo.

Conclusion: The media is always looking for someone to beat up and A-Rod is that guy. Ex. - media got on his case for saying how he wished Jose Reyes played for the Yanks. Oh no! that was a jab a Jeter. Well where was the media when Jeter said that he wished he played with David
Wright because he plays the game the right way? Eff the media. Yea he ain't perfect, and sure he lied to Katie Couric, but she has that face you just want to lie to.

A-Rod is just a guy who makes more money an at bat than the reporters who interview him after a game make in a year. If the Yanks win it all this year it will be inspite of him. If they don't, it will be all A-Rods fault. It is what it is.

Really, A-Rod?!?!?!

As all of you know, this blog is called "Are You Effing Serious?!" and was born out of an inspiration to have a medium to vent when we came across news that made us want to pull our hair out.

With that being said, few things enrage me as much as A-Rod. The dude has no media saavy when it comes to realizing how things will be perceived by the media and the public. It just reveals how out of touch and insecure he is. Case in point, his most recent interview with Details magazine, which I find to be both odd and ironic due to the fact that it is well known that the magazine's audience is mostly homosexual.

More disturbing than the actual contents of the interview, which appallingly took place the day after Selena Roberts confronted him about his steroid use and one day BEFORE the story actually went public, and includes him talking heavily about Madonna, are the PICTURES.

Words cannot describe how much they make me cringe and how much I want to punch him in the face. You would NEVER see Derek Jeter do a spread like this?!?! What self-respecting man would think that these pictures would be okay? That this would endear him to his fans and win some appreciation from his haters and critics? I honestly don't know how many fans this guy has left because of his complete lack of likability. Who is willing to stand up for him? Good god, it infuriates me. Imagine seeing Lebron James, Tiger Woods, or a handful of other athletes doing this? It's unbelievable how he just continually gives more ammo to his haters.

I could go on and on, but I'll stop...As a New Yorker and a Yankee fan, I don't know how much longer I can put up with him and his BS...oh wait, 9 years...

Alex Rodriguez: Confessions of a Damned Yankee [Details]

Also, peep NY Mag Daily Intel's take on this subject. As the author of the post points out, maybe instead of hiring another agent, publicist, or PR team, he should hire a Red Sox fan from Southie to advise him on what NOT to do, for f*cks sake.

Kiki hearts Jon Stewart

CNBC dickhead "analyst" Rick Santelli was supposed to be a guest on The Daily Show last night, but was a no-show, or shall I say, he bailed out...

Peep the video to see Jon Stewart rip him and CNBC a new one in return. This is Jon Stewart at his best. Amazing.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

CNBC Gives Financial Advice

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Joke of the Day

Los Mavs contra Los Spurs

On my personal journey towards Spanish fluency, I learned very early that simply adding los to the front of a noun is a moronic linguistic attempt. I'm here watching Los Mavs and Los Spurs battle it out on el ESPN. Los announcers are the same. Los advertisements are the same. Los players are the same. But el NBA is reaching across barriers by adding a Spanish the to the uniforms. Wow.

If we are going Latin, let's go Latin. I want to see multicolored arenas. I want a virgin-inspired logo on center court. I want mustaches and a military coup where a fan takes team ownership and distributes concessions at no charge. All game music must include trumpets. All cheerleaders will know how to prepare a family meal because that is an important Hispanic tradition.

That's the kind of Sociohispano appreciation I want from a Sports League. Make it happen Mr. Stern.

El NBA: donde pasa el increible

What's the f*cking deal with Twitter?

I don't use Twitter. I will never use Twitter. I don't understand why Twitter is so damn popular. When I turn on CNN, I don't want to hear about Twitter for Pete's sake. I want to be informed about, oh I dunno, the NEWS. Anyways, peep the video below for The Daily Show's similar take on Twitter. Kiki hates Twitter, Kiki loves Jon Stewart.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Twitter Frenzy

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Joke of the Day

The Speeches

There are a lot of pics and videos on the front page right now so i will refrain from posting any.

Tonight, if you cared, you saw two speeches; one from the President of the United States of America, and the other by a twelve year old boy jockeying for the pres' job.

Obama gave a good speech that expressed optimism and direction. He laid out his plan to get our America back in a new cars every two years with thousand dollar hand bags hanging from her shoulder. I'm not sure if his plan will work, and neither is he, but I do believe that action is necessary. Sometimes a forest needs to be burned to the ground so when it grows back it is stronger and healthier, but it can not grow without sun and water.

Time will tell how we get out of this mess.

Bobby, Bobby, Bobby...
I had a lot of respect for you but damn dude you lost it quick. Not only did you regurgitate 70% of the same principles that Obama ran on, but you also called him out on ish like no tax cuts after he just explained them. And yes I realized that your speech was completed way before you actually gave it, but that's just stupid when your giving a rebuttal to something that happened five minutes earlier. You also tried to cover up your southern accent you sly dog you, because you and I know you have a much stronger drawl. Scared of the Northerners are we? Also, why did you speak to me like it was reading time in Mrs. Karp's 1st grade class? I like stories, but please no stories about Katrina and how the GOP helped.

You see, this is what is wrong with the you Repubs right now. Not only are you grabbing at straws but you are also playing a crazy game of chicken. Us Americans are on to your game and we laugh at its stupidity. Quit complain about the govt getting involved when everyone is asking for the govt to help. The country is hurting right now and instead of doing what your constituents want you rather spend time trying to make the other guy look bad because you think it will get you brownie points when reelections come around. It might work if all things go to hell, but dudes if we get back on our feet relatively soon we will remember that all you were doing was throwing wrenches when we needed a hammer. And have you really thought about the fact that things can get really really bad. Of course not, because politicians are rich and bad economies really don't affect them.

I am not a fan of many politicians, repubs and demos, but dammit Bobby I thought you were better, if not smarter than this. Were you educated in Louisiana? Who cares anyway, you're done.

Burn it all to the ground.

Eff You, Tom Daschle

I can't believe this guy was once the leader of anything, but then again he is/was a politician and you can't be in politics and tell the truth. It's sorta like love and marriage, they just don't mix.

Daschle realized that he owed $148,000 in back taxes in June 2008. In December of '08, he was announced as Obama's choice for head of the Department of Health and Human Services, a job he would be very good at. The problem is that he chose not to pay his back taxes till after Obama nominated him, and then during his vetting he said, "Surpise!." A month and a half later, Daschle has decided to withdraw his nomination. What took you so long Idiot.

So many fail to realize that when you choose to be a public figure, whether it be through public office, sports, or entertainment, you become an example. Your actions influence others. If you claim that you want a better America, but then contributed to her deterioration, well then eff you.

Paris Hilton, eff you.
O.J. Simpson, eff you.
Barry Bonds, eff you.
Roger Clemens, eff you.
Blagojevich, eff you.
Bill Clinton, I love you man, but eff you.
Kwame Kilpatrick, eff you.
Roman Polanski, eff you.
Robert Blake, eff you.
Phil Spector, eff you.
John Edwards, a big eff you.
Chesley Sullenberger, you're my boy blue.

Rock stars are exempt from criticism.

We all make mistakes and no one really expects everyone to be perfect, but dammit, be honest. If you eff up, fess up. You want everyone to know your name, doing something good.

*i am a hypocrite.

Damn Yankees

I'm a die hard Yankee fan thru and thru, just ask the three red sox fans that I have left battered and bloodied over the past few years, but dammit I think they have gone too far.

for the month of December they have signed:

C.C. Sabathia - $161mil/7 years
A.J. Burnett - $82.5mil/5 years
and now
Mark Teixeira - $180mil/8 years

I'm not a genius but I believe that is $423.5 million spent in one month. Yes they have a new stadium that is opening this season, and yes they need to attract fans to fill those expensive seats, but dude!

George Steinbrenner officially created a monster that we now know will live on long after he dies.
Tonight I will drink to you my Yanks, but if you guys don't win this year or next I'm not sure I will be able to defend you for much longer.

Tim the Tool Man Taylor

Things are bad. Things are going to get worse.


With that said, we need some options to fix this mess and handing out more money to poorly run businesses is not the answer. It's sorta like putting a band-aid on two gun shot wounds.

In the south it is common practice to set fire to your lawn every few years. This helps return the nutrients to the ground and in a matter of weeks your grass is growing back greener and stronger than ever before. That is what we must do to our economy, set fire to it.

President-elect Obama is building a very smart team of economic advisers with extensive knowledge. This is a welcome change, but I am fearful that they won't bring any drastic changes or a new approach. This makes the possibility of stepping in this same pile of doo doo brown all the greater.

What we need are new ideas and a new focus. I propose that we invest our money is a high speed rail system that runs throughout the country.

Such a project, derived from an original idea from my dad, would create over one million jobs and in the long run reduce our dependency on oil.
With over one million people from all over the country working together, the project could be completed in 10 years.
This idea will cost a pretty penny, but it is a safer bet than giving money to three auto companies that were struggling to keep their heads above water before this whole mess.

Imagine traveling from New York to Miami on a 300mph train in 5hrs. That is about equal to flying when you consider all the preparation required and will cost half the price.

plus it would be fun to hang on to the roof.

Really??

The national media is abuzz about the video footage above in which Sarah Palin conducts an interview while turkeys are being slaughtered behind her. She's either clinically retarded or just that much of a redneck. Granted, I'm no tree-hugging vegan, I'm a happy carnivore that will gladly consume his fair share of turkey this Thursday, but I don't want to watch the damn things being killed on TV. Even the guy doing the slaughtering in the background seems to be perplexed as to why it's being caught on film.

Gotta give the mother of Trig credit though, she has successfully managed to NOT GO AWAY yet, turning the most non-newsworthy stories into big headlines.

Bailout Me

I have problems. One of which is that my car is American, or actually that is isn't. Last week my girlfriend, who happens to speak French, informed me that Mazdas are foreign cars; in fact, they are Asian. This doesn't just explain the leg-room, it hurts my patriotism. You see, I buy American. I plow in a John Deere, eat breakfast at Taco Bell and prefer Freedom Waffles to the bastardized Belgian version.

I hear the Auto Industry is about to collapse, which will have far-reaching consequence including a decline in home attendance at Red Wings games. The industry is clamoring for my tax dollars. I'm as much to blame as anyone -- I should have seen through the Mazda dealer's deceptive dealership placement (in America) and realized it wasn't an American machine. My tax money should help, and so should yours.

Let me get something straight, I don't support this simply because I don't pay taxes -- I support this because I believe in poorly managed American business. I am involved in a number of them myself. For example, we should give more attention to struggling pryamid schemes. As the unemployment rate has risen, the pryamids have flattened. I'm bleeding, and the revolutionary hand-sanitizer I can provide associates at wholesale prices can't help because, as the instructions state, it should never be used on open-wounds. I'm in a freaking money pit, and it's not my fault -- the product is great, the price is great, and the sales tactics are ethical. The Asian and European pryamid schemes are simply out-performing my own. Even I admit that they may be better; it's that simple. Egyptians of all people have cornered the pryamid market, succesfully dominated the miracle-juice segment with "Nile-Magic." It's a very fine product. Frankly, the problem is beyond my reach, and I'd like to be reimbursed. How can I be expected to compete with other products when they are better than my own?

Bail Me Out. Only then, can I start to bail out America.

a word on balding in a cool way

one day, not too long ago, i pricked myself with a felled hair from my own born coif. i'm asian, you see, so in high school i was known for maybe three discerning characteristics- verbal ability, vertical leap, and the aforementioned 3-d sideburns. but for all the grief incurred as a result of the genetic differences between myself and my mostly jewish and anglo-saxon counterparts, i was pretty fond of my hair. i rocked a little giants bowl cut as a child that transformed into some admittedly almost boy band-do which then begat a grown out clooney look that i favored into post adolescence. i grew it out one year, brushed off my mom's protests, laughed-off the newly won nickname of "sherpa," and was not surprised when some of those haters started to grow out their ish too. so i was understandably distraught sometime in my early 20s when my hair began to fall out.

in the long and shortlist of abject male horrors, hairloss falls somewhere between impotence and conscription. i will not get into the details of which factors are to be blamed for said hairloss, though i will say that i am by no means bald, but now opt for a more tightly kept buzzcut, which at first made me look slightly chicano- customers at the footlocker where i worked would approach me spouting spanish, looking for A!-you-ROH-pah sizes- but has more recently grown into me and i into it. it could be better- could be worse. i think i rock it pretty well for now.

so in lieu of the release of the 22nd bond film, this month's "quantum of solace," headlined by the thinly-coiffed Daniel Craig (admittedly sporting a more volumized do this time around), here's a look at a few other dudes that have managed to do their damn thing in the face of recession:

Unalienable Rights

I am not gay, but I find it sad that I feel the need to make my sexual orientation known in order to make a point. As a human being, I strongly believe that everyone should have the right to find happiness as long as there is no intent to harm another. I decided to write about this topic because it has been on my mind for a minute and tonight on his show, Keith Olbermann dedicated his "Special Comment" to this issue (see the video below).

As an American, I have been taught that this country was founded as a safe haven for people escaping discrimination and that one of the most prized gifts of American citizenship is each person's unalienable right to pursue happiness.

As a member of the Mormon faith, I have been taught and have come to believe that while God is perfect, we are all imperfect, and that despite our imperfections, God loves us all equally.

As a minority, I have felt the cruel effects of negative discrimination.

As a person that feels I know that the greatest ability we have is to love another, to have pure unadulterated feelings of selflessness, and that a simple sacrifice can have a longer lasting effect than what money can buy.

I have no anger towards any person who makes the decision that they believe is right. The beauty of life is that no matter what, we have the freedom of choice.

The following sentence might sound ironic: I believe that people are afraid of the unknown and the differences they find in others.

After doing some research on Proposition 8 in California, I found that religious institutions would not have been affected by a vote against Prop8. They would have been able to continue teaching their beliefs without worrying about losing their tax exempt status.

Some of you who read this might not see eye to eye with me on this issue, and I am fine with that. All I ask is for everyone to continue to do what they feel is right, to seek out and resolve doubtful feelings when they arise, and to do unto others as you would have them do unto you.


link

We Need Real Change (stop discrimination against ugly woman)

Discrimination is everywhere and one group that bears the brunt of it are Un-Attractive Women. It might be more correct to label them as less-attractive women because remember, beauty really is dependent on the eye of the beholder. Yet any way you dice it the fact is clear, life can be sucky if you are less attractive and a woman.

Daisy Buchanan, a former New York socialite, was once quoted of saying, "...the best thing a girl can be in this world... a beautiful little fool." Talk about pressure. Remember the old days when just having a cool girl was all a guy really needed. Of course not, because that time never existed. Pretty girls have always been "the in thing." Don't believe me? How about we ask these guys:


That's two of the greatest musicians to ever walk this earth, one living, one dead. What do they share in common? Their love of beautiful women. What else? They're mother effing BLIND! If just being cool was ever the ticket, these guys would've been bleacher seat season ticket holders, but instead they opted for luxury box seats because the "view" was better.

Ray Charles more so than Stevie, but Stevie nonetheless, were notorious womanizers. Reports were that they always scored with the hottest chicks around. They loved the ladies and they would only choose the best looking ones. Now if I was a less-attractive gal I would have assumed that if I had a good chance with any guy it would be a blind guy, but apparently even the blind discriminate. Some assume that maybe their handlers would help them pick the girls, but if I was a handler to Ray Charles back in the day you could bet your bottom dollar that I would have lied to the dude and kept the best looking gal for myself. Any man in his right mind would.

And therein lies the problem with our society, we put too much emphasis on external beauty when all we should really care about is how well the girl... (you sicko).

So let us take comfort in the words of Bruce Springsteen's "Thunder Road":

"You ain't a beauty, but hey you're alright. Oh, and that's alright with me."

This video really makes me feel badly about all the times I.....

-Complained that my DVR could only record 2 shows in the same time slot and not 3.
-Felt as though it'd be more convenient if my microwave could cook a Hotpocket in less than 2 minutes (you know how irrational you get when you're hungry)
-G0t annoyed with the 30 seconds it takes for my phone to download a picture text message....it's really the anticipation of seeing what kind of message necessitates a picture over text that makes me impatient.
- Didn't have cash on me!