FUNANIMALFACTS - A Preview from the World's Stupidest Blog

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Albino Squirrel
Fast facts

Order: Rodentia
Family: Sciuridae
Diet: Peanut M&Ms
Disposition: Melancholic
Status: Threatened

Recent national efforts to reduce landfill trash is threatening the habitat of the Albino Squirrel, long heralded as an ambassador of peace since the early 14th century when (FUN FACT!) Native American populations would release a white squirrel to signal surrender on the battlefield.
Comtinue reading about the albino squirell here...

OctoMom is a Genius! (Trick luh da kids!)

People want to rag on Nadya Suleman for adding eight babies to a life that couldn't take care of the six she already has, but if you ask me, she's living the American dream.

Before getting pregnant from in vitro fertilization (for the sixth time), Nadya lived with her parents, had no job, no husband/boyfriend, and no house. Today is a different story. Nadya now holds down a job as a "ratings booster" for tv programs and websites, she just bought a half million dollar home, and she now has multiple full-time nannies. Not easy things to do during a recession.

With the recent success of shows such as "John and Kate + 8" as well as some other show with a less catchy title about some crazy family with 17 kids or something, the public was ripe for a story about a single woman with a lot of kids. To add to it, news channels and newspapers eat up stories about big pregnancies (makes me wonder why no one thought of this earlier). Nadya came up with a business plan and put it in action.

If you think about it it's all kinda funny:
Many researchers say that happiness is what we are all in search of, but few of us find it because we are so worried about obtaining it that we travel down paths that we never wanted to be on in the first place; but because someone told us that happiness was just around the corner we traveled down those paths only to end up saying "dammit".

The solution, according to the researchers, is to find something that we enjoy and stick with it. They explain that if we enjoy it we will become good at it, and as we become good at it we will become experts; and as we become experts we start to make serious money, and we all know that with serious money we can buy serious time to do whatever the hell we want.


Nadya realized this before many of us. She has repeatedly said that she loves to have babies, so she stuck with that till she became a pro and was able to push out eight in one shot. Now comes the money followed by the time. Nadya Suleman is happy.

jumpin' out the window...ohhh

no this is not a post about ron browz. but one that may raise some eye browz. admittedly, as any of my friends will tell you, i am an exceedingly difficult person to get in touch with. there is something i find extremely disconcerting about today's modes of communication, namely, cellular phones.

the art of conversation is dead man. and cell phones are to blame. i won't go into any sardonic compendium of the categories of cell phone abusers. i'm sure you, like myself, know them all too well. perhaps you are one of them. i know i am not. not anymore.

for today, i have decided that for the next 30 some odd days of lent, i will retire my cell phone. i realize that this will have consequences on my social life. but people had social lives before 1997 or whenever humanity became tethered to these things. people had families and friends. they had sex and got married and made love and had babies. they went on vacations and made stupid decisions and learned from their mistakes and bought new cars and went grocery shopping. and they did this without cell phones.

so too will i. wish me luck.

America’s greatest sales crew wears green vests

Cookie Sales 2.0

The reason boy scouts as an organization are irrelevant is that they learn basket-weaving. Meanwhile, their cousin organization sets sales records. Who are you going to hire as your CEO -- a kid who can survive a night in the wilderness or a girl who uses Excel spreadsheets to maximize Thin Mint sales per block? The girl scouts will sell so many cookies this year they will exacerbate the recession among companies that make all other food products. However, their excessive sales will then in turn stimulate the fitness center industry. So really, the net effect on the economy will be neutral.



Girl scouts don’t sell cookies on the side -- these are cookie salespeople who freelance as girl scouts.

Michael Phelps, Olympic Pothead

Swimmers and cannabis have always been strongly connected. Swimmers need water and so do plants. The Beetle's Yellow Submarine -- underwater vessel fueled by psychedelia. And the final piece of conclusive evidence: Michael Phelps, who was recently photographed with a bong.

Someone needs to take the fall for this, but who is to blame? Michael Phelps seems like a likely scapegoat, but he just won eight gold medals so it's not probable he makes mistakes. The photographer is another person we could blame, but why fault someone for believing in the first amendment. The media? They're just giving the people the stories they want to hear. That's leaves one group: children.

If kids weren't pressuring Phelpsy into being a hero all the time, with the books and the appearances and the stressful television ads and sponsorships, Phelps wouldn't be looking to escape from his sad existence. The man was about to snap and you continued with your whining and your fanmail (which is almost impossible to keep up with) and now look what you've done. Is this what you wanted? You've done more than humble the man, you have practically dropkicked his dog off a bridge. You kids make me sick. Shame on you children. Shame on you for forcing your lifestyle on your role models. Shame indeed.

The Only Pair of Sunglasses You Will Ever Need

Let’s say you want to invest in your future. Sure, you could get an education. You could even build up your 401k. But when you want to get serious about your future, the most ROI for your buck, you get serious about eye protection. The sooner the better. You don't wait until you stank to spray the cologne or applicate the flaky white stuff -- you preempt the stank. What is true about armpits is true about eyepits. Face it -- when you take care of your eyes, your eyes take care of you.

That’s why Solar Shields is the only brand of eye style I endorse. It’s also the only brand endorsed by the AARP. That’s right, America’s Greatest Generation sports the Shields. They fought Nazis; now they fight cataracts. UV stands for ultra violent.Solar Shields provide 1,000% UV protection -- this prevents your eyes from melting. They also discourage photosynthesis in people with green eyes. (Believe me, I have green eyes -- they used to work to reverse carbon emissions, but now they are on vacation and loving it).

Durable? They’re 1,000% plastic. Floatable? They’re 1,000% plastic. Comfortable? They’re 1,000% plastic -- you can liquefy, soften, and mold them to fit an ill-shapen head. Sex appeal? How else do you explain the popularity of Viagra?

Bigger is better. Wrap that concept around your brain, your eyes, and your future.

Wow.

In honor of today's historic events, and to put a final nail in the Bush administration's coffin, I present you below with an 8 YEAR OLD article from The Onion. In it, George Bush addresses the nation a few days before he takes office on the changes that he will bring after the Clinton presidency. It is truly remarkable how spot on the article was on predicting the events that unfolded during the Bush years. It was meant to be funny at the time, but is just plain eerie now.

Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over'
JANUARY 17, 2001

WASHINGTON, DC – Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the door on eight years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush assured the nation in a televised address Tuesday that "our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over."

"My fellow Americans," Bush said, "at long last, we have reached the end of the dark period in American history that will come to be known as the Clinton Era, eight long years characterized by unprecedented economic expansion, a sharp decrease in crime, and sustained peace overseas. The time has come to put all of that behind us."

Bush swore to do "everything in [his] power" to undo the damage wrought by Clinton's two terms in office, including selling off the national parks to developers, going into massive debt to develop expensive and impractical weapons technologies, and passing sweeping budget cuts that drive the mentally ill out of hospitals and onto the street.

During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.

"You better believe we're going to mix it up with somebody at some point during my administration," said Bush, who plans a 250 percent boost in military spending. "Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what is the point of even having a military?"

On the economic side, Bush vowed to bring back economic stagnation by implementing substantial tax cuts, which would lead to a recession, which would necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in consumer spending, which would lead to layoffs, which would deepen the recession even further.

Wall Street responded strongly to the Bush speech, with the Dow Jones industrial fluctuating wildly before closing at an 18-month low. The NASDAQ composite index, rattled by a gloomy outlook for tech stocks in 2001, also fell sharply, losing 4.4 percent of its total value between 3 p.m. and the closing bell.

Asked for comment about the cooling technology sector, Bush said: "That's hardly my area of expertise."

Turning to the subject of the environment, Bush said he will do whatever it takes to undo the tremendous damage not done by the Clinton Administration to the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. He assured citizens that he will follow through on his campaign promise to open the 1.5 million acre refuge's coastal plain to oil drilling. As a sign of his commitment to bringing about a change in the environment, he pointed to his choice of Gale Norton for Secretary of the Interior. Norton, Bush noted, has "extensive experience" fighting environmental causes, working as a lobbyist for lead-paint manufacturers and as an attorney for loggers and miners, in addition to suing the EPA to overturn clean-air standards.

Bush had equally high praise for Attorney General nominee John Ashcroft, whom he praised as "a tireless champion in the battle to protect a woman's right to give birth."

"Soon, with John Ashcroft's help, we will move out of the Dark Ages and into a more enlightened time when a woman will be free to think long and hard before trying to fight her way past throngs of protesters blocking her entrance to an abortion clinic," Bush said. "We as a nation can look forward to lots and lots of babies."

Continued Bush: "John Ashcroft will be invaluable in healing the terrible wedge President Clinton drove between church and state."

The speech was met with overwhelming approval from Republican leaders.

"Finally, the horrific misrule of the Democrats has been brought to a close," House Majority Leader Dennis Hastert (R-IL) told reporters. "Under Bush, we can all look forward to military aggression, deregulation of dangerous, greedy industries, and the defunding of vital domestic social-service programs upon which millions depend. Mercifully, we can now say goodbye to the awful nightmare that was Clinton's America."

"For years, I tirelessly preached the message that Clinton must be stopped," conservative talk-radio host Rush Limbaugh said. "And yet, in 1996, the American public failed to heed my urgent warnings, re-electing Clinton despite the fact that the nation was prosperous and at peace under his regime. But now, thank God, that's all done with. Once again, we will enjoy mounting debt, jingoism, nuclear paranoia, mass deficit, and a massive military build-up."

An overwhelming 49.9 percent of Americans responded enthusiastically to the Bush speech.

"After eight years of relatively sane fiscal policy under the Democrats, we have reached a point where, just a few weeks ago, President Clinton said that the national debt could be paid off by as early as 2012," Rahway, NJ, machinist and father of three Bud Crandall said. "That's not the kind of world I want my children to grow up in."

"You have no idea what it's like to be black and enfranchised," said Marlon Hastings, one of thousands of Miami-Dade County residents whose votes were not counted in the 2000 presidential election. "George W. Bush understands the pain of enfranchisement, and ever since Election Day, he has fought tirelessly to make sure it never happens to my people again."

Bush concluded his speech on a note of healing and redemption.

"We as a people must stand united, banding together to tear this nation in two," Bush said. "Much work lies ahead of us: The gap between the rich and the poor may be wide, be there's much more widening left to do. We must squander our nation's hard-won budget surplus on tax breaks for the wealthiest 15 percent. And, on the foreign front, we must find an enemy and defeat it."

"The insanity is over," Bush said. "After a long, dark night of peace and stability, the sun is finally rising again over America. We look forward to a bright new dawn not seen since the glory days of my dad."

Link: The Onion

You've Gotta Fight For Your Right To PAARRRRTY

"From every mountainside, let freedom ring.
And when this happens, when we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"
~Martin Luther King, Jr.

Back in fourth grade, MLK day came around and I was stuck in school. Being the slacker that I was I wanted a way out. I knew of the man and had an idea of his legend and realized he would be a good enough reason to complain. After expressing my desire to some fellow classmates we decided to hold a protest. As my memory recalls we made signs, came up with some chant, and marched through the halls. The next year we had the day off.

Since then I have really began to appreciate what MLK did and what he stood for. He had a dream and 40 years plus change the climax of his dream is being lived. There are times when I find myself youtubing some of his speeches and reading some of his letters just so I can feel his love. He loved everyone despite what society said and even today that is hard to find. Thank you Dr. King.

Being the only black poster on this blog, and the only active one left (who said black people are lazy?), this moment in history is quite special. I never would have thought that by electing a man such as Obama, it would have such a profound effect on the world and its psyche, but it has. I hope good things happen from here on out, not to make a point or prove people wrong, but to bring unity and happiness and to feel free. We all deserve to be happy.

Getting a Job in the Depression - A True Story

Our loyal reader recently inquired why I haven't posted any posts in a long stretch of days now. I informed him I am knee-deep filtering my offers in the robust job market and it occupies my post-graduate schedule. My strategy is fairly straightforward - allow me to enlighten you.

Each week at 8:00 am PST on Monday, I send out my resume to approximately 50 companies I am over-qualified to work for. I once sent a resume to Subway that only said my name, Eat Fresh and the name of my accredited institution of higher learning. I then wait by my phone for the offers to roll in. I systematically reject all of them after leading them on for a few minutes to build my self-confidence. I then re-write each point on my resume by including the phrase "highly sought" in front of all descripting adjectives. Then, at about 1 pm PST, I go to Monster.com to look at entry-level positions. Invariably, no matter what I put in the search field, half of all of the opportunities are from the US Navy. I can type in actor and: Media Opportunities, US Navy comes up. Granted, if I was in the Navy, I would probably be doing quite a bit of acting, especially pretending to be in agreement with most of my superiors ideologies, however, I highly doubt the Navy is the ideal place to get noticed by anyone who isn't trying to kill you.

Once I pass on all the Navy opportunities, I go to Careerbuilder. I send out my resume to compete with execs who have been recently bought out and I have seen fairly mixed results, in that, sometimes I get a response saying they are not interested and sometimes I don't get a response at all. I sent out my resume to the Yankees last week because I heard they were giving money away, but I only came away with a 3-year deal. Sorry George, I'm looking for bigger fish. Anyway, the one thing I have going for me at these sites is my salary history, which is an employers hiring strategy to squeeze their servants as much as possible. My history includes my latest jury duty stint that paid $15 a day plus travel expenses, and it has employers drooling.

Alas, there is, in my estimation, one great place to find work: Craigslist. Maybe it's just me, but I like my job site to double as a place to get free furniture and see who's turning tricks in the local community. Sometimes I get distracted on Craigslist by the lack of real jobs and start wandering to other Craigslist sites (did you know there is a Craigslist called the Western Slope in Colorado?) Is this some kind of sick joke? I thought it was too - until I found a job that pays double digits everyday to wave at people, http://westslope.craigslist.org/csr/964999054.html.

Now I've got time to blog again. I'm back in the game, George.

Hooked on Phonics and Basketball

I'm a New York Knicks fan. Yes yes I know, they suck now, but growing up in North Jersey I had to choose between the Knicks and the Nets and Derrick Coleman + Kenny Anderson just didn't do it for me. No, I was a Ewing, Oakley, Mason, and Starks type of kid. Shoot, I even liked them when Grandmama was a Knick and when Allan Houston had heart. These were my guys and we went through it all: the Rockets,the Finals, the Heat, Riley to Van Gundy, the fight, the four point play, Reggie "The Devil" Miller. I even still have the video recordings of some of the greatest games they ever played.

Above all, the player that stood out to me the most was Ewing. The dude was a beast and most importantly, he cared about winning. You could not doubt his desire to win and his love for New York. The way that Starks would hug him after one of them would make a big play made us all want to hug a tall person or get hugged by a small one. I never wanted to be Ewing, but dammit I loved that guy and I still do. It was a sad day when his time was up with the Knicks.


But two little facts came together for me the other day that have me a little worried: Ewing went to and graduated from Georgetown, one of the most respected educational institutions in America; yet after he retired from basketball he announced that he had never learned how to read. There are only two possible scenarios for this paradox, he cheated or Georgetown isn't all that it's cracked up to be. We might never get a real answer to this problem, but if my future kids want to go to Georgetown, it would be in their best interest for me to steer them away.

Time To Get Married

When winter rolls around, daylight fades a lil earlier, people get cold, and baby making season peaks. There is nothing really wrong with this. it has been going on since before you or I were born. Of concern, however, is an ill advised side affect: marriage proposals.

Let me clarify my stance on marriage; I believe marriage is a good thing, a thing that we should all experience once if we can. What makes it easier is that there are plenty of people out there of whom we are compatible with, but too many of us pick the wrong person because winter makes us believe that the person that is warming us up when it was cold outside is Mr./Ms. Right. In other words, winter can be the devil in disguise.

When broken down, compatibility really means willingness to compromise. When you find someone that you are attracted to, you are intrigued to find out more. As you learn new things you begin to decide what you're cool with, what you're not, and what you're willing to forget about until you get in a fight. If you happen to be one of the lucky ones with a good personality and good looks, there is no need to worry about compatibility, the other person will do all the compromising.

The issue is that people compromise too much during the winter when sometimes a stuffed animal is all you need. I don't have hard figures, but I'm guessing that 1/3 of the marriage proposals that will be made from now till April will be broken by June because that's when the mental party starts. Of those that do end up getting married, half of them won't make it past 10 years.

Now I'm not saying that settling is bad, we all settle at some point because there is no perfect person out there. What I am saying is, don't let the cold air eff up your judgment. Wait a lil bit, things will warm up.

a word on steak and eggs

i am a carnivore as is my father and his father before him. i also like to drink. so while a shortstack of pancakes imbibed in maple syrup might sound good to somebody after one too many jack and cokes, you can count on me to holler at some steak and eggs.

now normally i like the no frills variety- any meat will do, eggs in any style so long as the yolk is runny, and some homefries and even some toast if i'm feeling randy. but there is much to be said for something with a little more moxie. and that's where longsilog comes in.

technically, longsilog is sausage and eggs, but honestly, who's keeping track? throw me some cholesterol and i'm straight. it's a dish that was a mainstay in my house growing up, and is essentially comprised of rice lightly fried in garlic and sometimes ginger, (preferably) two eggs in any style, and longoniza, a chorizo style sausage that tastes best with a little bit of vinegar.

because this post is more about eating than it is about cooking, i'm not gonna outline the recipe right here. i suppose that's kind of wack but i'm pressed for time because i'm sitting in front of a hot plate of it right now. good luck getting your own. peace in the middle east.

thanksgiving is for the turkeys?

i have a friend from michigan's upper peninsula who put me on to an interesting pastime that i had not, until this point, been aware of. this year, in lieu of a perfectly dressed and basted baked bird, i've opted to deep fry at least one of my complementary pathmark x butterball turkeys taht you get for spending more than $200 dollars or whatever. after all, thanksgiving is uniquely american and what would be more american than setting up some lawn furniture in the carport, listening to the big game on the radio, and lowering a majestic bird into the old burner ($70-$80 dollars at home depot).

what's more, the sheer temporal efficiency (it takes about an hour) of the operation trumps the old 7 hour bake and you can use the leftover oil to power your vehicle if you're eco-friendly and not an average savage. or you can use it to make deep fried oreos for dessert. deep fried oreos that have been fried in peanut oil and turkey fat.

a caveat, do not add water to boiling oil as it can cause boil overs. a friend of mine once spent 8 hours cleaning oily residue off the linoleum after he inexplicably dropped some water into his deep fryer. also, this must be done outdoors. people have burned their house down trying to play patsy cline in their respective kitchens. (what does that even mean?)

special thanks to gumbopages.com for the primer.

for a movie that makes unique use of a deep fryer, see the over/under rated "scotland, pa."

if that's not your cup of tea, then maybe you should move to panama you would be expat.

Bailout Me

I have problems. One of which is that my car is American, or actually that is isn't. Last week my girlfriend, who happens to speak French, informed me that Mazdas are foreign cars; in fact, they are Asian. This doesn't just explain the leg-room, it hurts my patriotism. You see, I buy American. I plow in a John Deere, eat breakfast at Taco Bell and prefer Freedom Waffles to the bastardized Belgian version.

I hear the Auto Industry is about to collapse, which will have far-reaching consequence including a decline in home attendance at Red Wings games. The industry is clamoring for my tax dollars. I'm as much to blame as anyone -- I should have seen through the Mazda dealer's deceptive dealership placement (in America) and realized it wasn't an American machine. My tax money should help, and so should yours.

Let me get something straight, I don't support this simply because I don't pay taxes -- I support this because I believe in poorly managed American business. I am involved in a number of them myself. For example, we should give more attention to struggling pryamid schemes. As the unemployment rate has risen, the pryamids have flattened. I'm bleeding, and the revolutionary hand-sanitizer I can provide associates at wholesale prices can't help because, as the instructions state, it should never be used on open-wounds. I'm in a freaking money pit, and it's not my fault -- the product is great, the price is great, and the sales tactics are ethical. The Asian and European pryamid schemes are simply out-performing my own. Even I admit that they may be better; it's that simple. Egyptians of all people have cornered the pryamid market, succesfully dominated the miracle-juice segment with "Nile-Magic." It's a very fine product. Frankly, the problem is beyond my reach, and I'd like to be reimbursed. How can I be expected to compete with other products when they are better than my own?

Bail Me Out. Only then, can I start to bail out America.

We Need Real Change (stop discrimination against ugly woman)

Discrimination is everywhere and one group that bears the brunt of it are Un-Attractive Women. It might be more correct to label them as less-attractive women because remember, beauty really is dependent on the eye of the beholder. Yet any way you dice it the fact is clear, life can be sucky if you are less attractive and a woman.

Daisy Buchanan, a former New York socialite, was once quoted of saying, "...the best thing a girl can be in this world... a beautiful little fool." Talk about pressure. Remember the old days when just having a cool girl was all a guy really needed. Of course not, because that time never existed. Pretty girls have always been "the in thing." Don't believe me? How about we ask these guys:


That's two of the greatest musicians to ever walk this earth, one living, one dead. What do they share in common? Their love of beautiful women. What else? They're mother effing BLIND! If just being cool was ever the ticket, these guys would've been bleacher seat season ticket holders, but instead they opted for luxury box seats because the "view" was better.

Ray Charles more so than Stevie, but Stevie nonetheless, were notorious womanizers. Reports were that they always scored with the hottest chicks around. They loved the ladies and they would only choose the best looking ones. Now if I was a less-attractive gal I would have assumed that if I had a good chance with any guy it would be a blind guy, but apparently even the blind discriminate. Some assume that maybe their handlers would help them pick the girls, but if I was a handler to Ray Charles back in the day you could bet your bottom dollar that I would have lied to the dude and kept the best looking gal for myself. Any man in his right mind would.

And therein lies the problem with our society, we put too much emphasis on external beauty when all we should really care about is how well the girl... (you sicko).

So let us take comfort in the words of Bruce Springsteen's "Thunder Road":

"You ain't a beauty, but hey you're alright. Oh, and that's alright with me."

Go to the zoo, any zoo, and you'll see what I do.

In the early 1980s, scientists experimented with breeding only the happiest animals, with the ultimate goal of domesticating crocodiles, vipers and similar predators. But when it comes to animals that are friendly, science will never match what mother nature has already breast fed: the wallaby. I'm not completely sure what a wallaby is (koala - kangaroo - platypus hybrid?; I've never seen one), but I sure want to give it a hug.

When mispronounced, wallaby actually rhymes with lullaby. Wallaby: G'day mate -- let's take a nap together sometime, in a mystical forest of snuggling. In the animal kingdom, few species elicit the sweet sounds of nurture that do the wallaby. Don't heed the propaganda Dr. Suess spews about brown barbaloots eating trufala fruits -- those damn barbaloots are an invasive species and a menace on the food chain. Wallabys on the other hand, don't hurt anything but the occasional leafy plant and rotting carcass.

Other friendly animals:
- Plankton. Very underrated on most scales of intimacy. Fact: even an atypically shy plankton has about 3 trillion friends, something Tila Tequila's myspace can't even match.
- Pepperoni. Whatever animal this comes from, you are friendly to my mouth.
- Why do people always expect lists of three?

The friendliest animals need the most protection. The most innocent of the friendliest animals need even more. If we can't protect the innocent, then who can we protect? That's why we need to stop animal abortions, at least during the third trimester. The only candidate who has consistently stood up to this atrocity is Alan Keyes: the social conservative with a heart. If Keyes goes down, so do the Wallabys, and I can't have their soft, delicate fur soaked in blood and then have that bloody fur on my head. Vote for change, Keyes in '08.

Guns, Ammunition and Christmas

Because Christmas is in a few weeks, I'd like to share my feelings about gun control. You see, Christmas at my house doesn't begin until the clay pigeons come out. A lot of people dislike guns because they kill people. But so do bullets folks. If you want to legislate guns, you have to start legislating homicide, and that's a slippery slope my friends--a slippery slope indeed.

As for me, the debate starts where America started: on the frontier. I have some very close relatives, who on their own conscience, have decided to shun the commercials trappings of civility and live in the mountains. They eat meat. They don't kill for sport, but don't think for one second they couldn't. (As a side note: they hunt best a little buzzed, they're like the Joe Cockers of hunting). Anyway, last week one of my relatives who lives in the frontier with nothing to his name except a modified lean-two made from pine needles and the flannel on his back sent me a very interesting text. This text shared his frustration with the constant harassment from "rangers" for his gun permits.

This man can barely read the second amendment, and here he is supposed to know about licenses. He got fined for shooting a bear and finishing the job with a bayonet because he lacked the proper documentation! Unbelievable.

Gun control is making America safer, for the bears who want to kill us all. This is bad form.

I know what you are thinking: what can I do to make a difference? I suggest showing your support for my family this holiday season by supporting your own families, giving them semi-automatics--the perfect stocking stuffer. And may we all be safe with our guns. They are plenty of psychos out there.

Statistical Semantics and Marry Poppins

I would like to start with an apology: my post contains no photographs, Youtube links, or Woody Harrelson shout-outs. As these have quickly become a staple of the areyoueffingserious blog, perhaps I should consider them, but for now at least, I will abstain. I also have nothing to say for the time being of inconsequential matters such as the presidential election.

I would, however, like to question some of the statistics Blogspot is showing me. Fact: No one is following this blog. This statistical taunt is found in the upper right corner of our page. I find it disturbing that although multiple people have posted multiple items on this blog, not a single one of them (according to Blogspot) is following the blog. Since this is the second time I have been to areyoueffingserious, I would consider myself a follower of its content, yet Blogspot insists I am not. Here is a blog that is forced to endure a virtual slap in the face from its publisher, a publisher who purports to be our friend.

Now, Google can guide me to a dictionary but it can't make me believe its propaganda, which is clearly trying to change the definition of the word follower. What's next? I don't have an answer for that. But this much I do know: Woody Harrelson would never do that.

Don't let them change you Woody. Don't let them change you.

Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson have done more for race relations than Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton COMBINED!

In this world it seems as though some people help create problems and others help fix the problems that the idiots create.

For example:
Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson occasionally have good intentions, but more times than not they eff things up for everyone. Their self-declared missions in life are to help create a place where we are all treated equally and can share those unalienable rights that are bestowed upon us all, despite the colour of our skin. Yet time after time they have taken the role of race-baiters; turning races against each other by always calling foul against the white man whenever a brother gets in trouble.


Now race has always been an issue in America, but things were real bad in the early 90's. There was the Rodney King beating and the subsequent L.A. riots. Gangster rap was scaring "white" suburbia let alone Tipper Gore and Michael Jackson didn't want to be "black" anymore. Lets face it, whites and blacks were really only friends till they were old enough to realize that they were "white" and "black."

Thats where Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson came in to save the day. In the movie White Men Can't Jump, they helped to show America that not only could whites and blacks be friends, but that they could also team up together to hustle the pants off of the stereotypical hustlers. Ever since the movie came out in 1992 it has been cool to pick the white dude hanging out at the courts and whites and black can maintain friendships well into adulthood.

However, the forces that be worked hard to test the powers of Mr. Snipes and Mr. Harrelson. In 1994 O.J. Simpson did what he did even though he still claims he didn't despite the fact that everyone knows he did. Anyway, this incident almost undid the selfless work of White Men Can't Jump, but Mr. Snipes and Mr. Harrelson were quick to action by making the movie Money Train. In the movie they upped the social graces by showing us that whites and blacks could be brothers! Jackson, Sharpton, this is where real difference is made.

So grab a friend of a different race, watch this clip, and thank whomever you worship for Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson.
Gentlemen, we salute you!

Open Letter to Dave Chapelle

Dear Dave,

We miss you, Thurgood. Please come back and kill us softly one more time. Now more than ever, we need a comedian who can be funny as all hell and still speak intelligently about the state of the country and the world at large. I recently watched Chris Rock's most recent HBO special, Kill The Messenger, whose mediocrity only made it more clear how much we need you to not only make us laugh by telling stories about babies in diapers selling weed in the projects but also about the presidential election, the state of the economy, the war in Iraq, racism....I'm sorry the corporate machine had to make you stop doing what it is you love to do most. But please come back, we've purified ourselves in the waters of Lake Minnetonka, I promise.

Yuhhh,
Kiki



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